What To Do When A Friend Is Fired

Writen by Bruce Taylor

It came out of the blue.

My boss was called into her manager's office and, half an hour later and still in tears, she started clearing out her desk. To this day I don't know the official reason for her firing, but I suspect that she was the designated scapegoat for a project that was behind schedule and getting later. In truth, there was plenty of blame to spread around, but she got whacked - it still doesn't seem fair.

It was a tragedy for her, but it was also bewildering and embarassing for the rest of her team and for her friends around the company. How should we react? In the event, we didn't handle it very well, but here's what I've learned since then:

• Don't pretend nothing happened
  I suppose this sounds pretty elementary, but there's a strong urge to not get involved because it's pretty hard to share her pain. But she needs you to acknowlege that she's been fired and that it will affect you - it's one way of showing that you're a friend and you care.
• Don't ask about the details
  If she wants to tell you why she was fired, she will; but it's not polite or helpful to pry into the matter. Accept the company's version until she feels safe enough to tell you her side of the story.
• Empathize, don't sympathize
  It's okay to say, "I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and I'll miss you." But don't say, "This happened to me once and I know just how you feel." In the first place, you don't know that your experience is anything at all like hers, and in the second place it sounds like a bid for attention.
• Tell her how you feel
  If she's a good friend and you'll miss her, tell her so. If you're mad at the company, share that with her. Being honest about your emotions will help her manage her own anger and sadness.
• If she wants to talk, just listen
  She may want to talk about the experience right away, or maybe next week, or perhaps never at all. But if she does want to tell you what happened, how she's feeling, and what she's worried about, be an active listener. Make sure you've got plenty of time to listen, find a private space, and give her your full attention while she talks. Try to be 100% present for her, not worrying about this afternoon's meeting. Respond if it feels appropriate, but don't feel that this needs to be a conversation - she mainly needs someone to really listen while she sorts things out.
• Stay in touch with her
  If you're friends, be sure to stay in touch with her after she leaves to let her know you haven't forgotten her. It may be that your friendship fades over time if you don't see her at work every day, but at least at first she needs to know that someone values her. So take her out to lunch a few days after she leaves.
• Get back to work
  Don't try to be a hero and get her reinstated. Don't kick the boss's door down and yell at him. A definitely don't spread nasty rumors about "what really happened." None of this will help her and it will definitely hurt you. Just learn whatever lessons are to be learned and get back to doing your job as well as you can.

There it is, the wisdom I wish I had had when my boss was fired. As I look back on what I've written it looks pretty elementary, but it's easy to forget it when you need it. I hope you never need it, but I also hope it helps when you do.

About the Author Bruce Taylor is the Owner and Principle of Unison Coaching, and provides corporate and executive coaching to a wide variety of businesses including engineering, human resource, consulting, and recruiting firms. Mr Taylor has extensive background in Psychology, Human Resources, and Software Engineering. He holds a Masters degree in Computer Science from Duke University, a Masters in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts, and a Certificate in Job Stress and Healthy Workplace Design from the University of Massachusetts. He can be reached at www.unisoncoaching.com or bruce_taylor@unisoncoaching.com.

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